Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I am my own worst enemy. This is a statement I have made countless times in my life: when I knew I should be studying but spent hours streaming, when I wanted to lose weight but drove out to the store to buy my favorite sweet treats, or, even worse, when I had important work emails to write but put them off by scrolling on social media. The worst part is that there is no one to blame, because I do it to myself.

My procrastination problem was so bad, this was when I was trying to complete my PhD, that I went to see a counselor. I started by telling her my problem: I am lazy. She said, " Okay, tell me why you say that. I told her I was in the final lap of my PhD and I was self-sabotaging. She asked me about my life, and I told her how much I traveled, supported my children, and took on responsibilities at home and at church. After I told her all of this, she called me something I would never call myself. She said this is a common problem among high-functioning people. High-functioning people? She must have been mistaken; I am far from a high-functioning person. I was a procrastinator. But here is the funny part: I only went to two or three more sessions. I found that her kind, loving approach did not work for me, so I decided to explore self-coaching. By that I mean self-whipping.

So, I decided to write a devotional book on self-sabotage. But I was surprised when I got into the research. What surprised me was discovering that some of the behaviors we call self-sabotage may actually be attempts to cope—to avoid discomfort, manage fear, or protect ourselves from something that feels threatening.

Unfortunately, these coping mechanisms can come at a high price. This made me ask what my procrastination was doing for me. My response of choice is escapism. It started when I was in primary school, dealing with very stressful and traumatic circumstances at home. I would just slip away into my imagination. Sometimes I would read books and escape into the amazing worlds created by Enid Blyton and Hans Christian Andersen, and other times I would stare at my favorite TV characters, like Anne of Green Gables. And when I was not watching or reading, I was imagining myself in those enchanting worlds. That strategy served me well in my formative years—well, if you count failing Grade 11 because I would rather read fiction than study—but at least I survived, right?

I totally identify with the sluggard in Proverbs. "The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion in the road! There is a lion in the streets!’" (Proverbs 26:13). It is satire: the excuse is enormous, cinematic, and unfalsifiable. The passage lands three verses later: "The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly" (26:16). The portrait is not only about idleness. The man has built a whole system of reasons for his inaction and finds those reasons more persuasive than seven people who can answer sensibly. Proverbs does not tell us that his excuse comes from pain or a need for safety. But it made me wonder about my own lions. Maybe I believed some of the narratives I created because they kept me safe.

So, how do we overcome our obsessive need to avoid? Instead of deciding that you are a self-saboteur, start investigating the case:

• When did I learn this? What does this behavior do for me? What am I protecting myself from?

• Then practice some self-compassion. Yeah, this is still something I am working on. Understanding the behavior does not excuse the harm it may cause, but it can help us find a healthier way to meet the same need.

• Finally, take small steps. I have found that planning to take a walk in the park is much less offensive to my defense mechanisms than planning a whole month of strength training. And with my shields down, I can finally make some progress.

  
  

It took me one year longer than planned to finish my PhD, but I did it. I planned to lose 100 pounds this past year. I only lost 30, but I did it by sneaking up on my defense mechanisms with small, inoffensive steps. And, believe it or not, I did try to treat myself with a bit more kindness.

So, in conclusion, here is a bit more wisdom for you from the wise teacher in Proverbs.

Proverbs 16:3 — “Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.” Instead of carrying the whole outcome, entrust the work to God. I can begin without knowing exactly how everything will turn out. Proverbs 3:5–6 — “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.” Stop overthinking. You do not need complete certainty before taking the next faithful step.

Hear these words from a bona fide procrastinator. You do not have to defeat the lion today. Start by trusting God with the outcome, and then do the small thing that belongs to you today. Keep doing it over time. You can do this. I believe in you.